Relationships make life unbearable, magnificent, terrible and worth living. Human beings are social creatures and the way we relate to others around us shapes our experiences. Our relationships help inform how we perceive the world. There are myriad forms that relationships come in, but always they leave a permanent mark.
I think that is part of the reason a stranger’s words have the capacity to haunt us for years to come. Somehow, that relationship, despite its brevity, influenced our perception and worldview—even if just slightly. For this same reason, every relationship is itself a lesson. Although, as my friend recently pointed out, sometimes we don’t actually learn the lesson the first time. Instead we are stuck repeating the same relationships, just with different people.
I still haven’t learned my lesson. I continue to date man after man that is seemingly different, but very much the same. After another heartbreak, I ask myself, what is the lesson I am failing to learn? Why do I continue to repeat the same relationship, but with different men each time? Why do I continue to allow selfish men to carve out pieces of my heart? Only to have these men hoard the sacred gems of my heart without offering healthy love in return?
Why do I forgive and apparently forget? I give them a second, third, fifteenth chance after I already know how the story ends? When will I stop running after the “nice guy” immediately after a heartbreak? Why do I accept half-hearted love, even as I promise both myself and him that one day I will find the strength to walk away?
Why do I stay when after yet another fight, every inch of my being longs to be as far from him as the sun is from the moon? I ask myself these questions repeatedly in an endless attempt to discover the lesson I am still failing to learn.
The lesson I need to learn is I deserve better. I deserve healthy love that is mutual and life giving even if it can be a bit messy. The lesson I need to learn is that I settle for a watered down version of love. And I ask for far less than what I should.
In my refusal to create healthy boundaries, I accept a watered down version of love. A shadow version of love in which one can hide in the comfort of being, doing and giving less than what healthy love demands to flourish. By accepting this watered down version of love, I implicitly contribute to failing my partner as well. Neither of us benefits or grows nearly as much because there is a lack of mutual respect and vulnerability.
We both settle for less, and the void eats away at our hearts. This often leaves men unavailable and distant, while women tend to become desperate for attention and search anywhere else to find it. This can create its own set of challenges when alcohol and other attractive potentials are involved. *I recognize there are different experiences from this for both men and women, but I am addressing a general theme I have seen, not gendered absolutes.*
I am committed to growing in compassion and love, but that means I have to seriously address the lessons I have yet to master. Relationships profoundly affect us, especially those passionate as with a lover. But healthy love is a partnership. Until both partners are prepared to enter the vast and terrifying oceans of honest vulnerability, then at best one partner will suffer, but more likely both will suffer and the relationship will inevitably end in tears.
One day, I will learn my lesson. I will believe the truth that I deserve a love that sparks wildfire. A love that is fueled by vulnerability, honesty, reckless hope and equality. I will learn to walk away to find the love I deserve. A love that can melt iron and forge a relationship that is worth committing a lifetime to.
Modified from original post found here.