Okay, so I am feeling all sorts of riled up. And I have some thoughts on fragile masculinity, because I have seen a whole lot of it this week.
What is fragile masculinity?
Although there are many different definitions floating around, they all tend to usually find their basis in a masculine vs. feminine duality. There are certain characteristics within society that are deemed feminine such as: emotional, communicative, nurturing and so on. Masculine would be understood as the opposite and embodies characteristics such as: tough, dominant, aggressive and the like. Members within society are assigned these gendered characteristics based off their sexual biology and then policed throughout life to uphold them.
Out of these rigid gendered opposites arises fragile masculinity. Fragile masculinity is the idea that men need to constantly identify with and display “masculine” qualities to assure their manliness at all costs. It goes one step further by insisting men deidentify with and avoid “feminine” qualities because of their so-called inherent inferiority.
I am sure you can think of many instances when fragile masculinity has showed up to ruin the party. A woman takes the lead in a project and a man, who didn’t get the role of leader, throws a fit about how it was “just because you are a woman” type comment. Or a comment is made to a man at the bar expressing some feminine quality and to defend his honor (more accurately his fragile masculinity) this man decides to assert dominance with a shout or perhaps even a blow to the chest of the audacious accuser. I could keep listing examples, but I think you get the point. And I’m sure you have seen this play out innumerable times.
Fragile masculinity is coming out of a place of disconnectedness and insecurity that we continue to create within our societies. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie mentions in her TedTalk how we do a great disservice to men by nurturing fragile egos, and an even greater disservice to women as we teach them to cater to those fragile egos.
We tell men they cannot feel and cannot show compassion. This is a double-edged sword. When we tell men this, we box them in and demonize these characteristics as feminine. By creating dualistic norms in which one (namely the masculine) is superior to the other, we essentially create a ticking time bomb. And usually women are left to pick up the pieces.
So, what do we do? How do we step out of this toxic situation that cultivates fragile masculinity?
Say Goodbye to Rigid Duality
First, we need to step out of this rigid duality between the masculine and feminine. We all are dynamic beings that have myriad characteristics. And we neither have all feminine nor all masculine characteristics. We have a mixture of both, but it isn’t until society genders them that we begin to disassociate with one more than the other. Masculine and feminine characteristics are not actually opposites, and there is no need to pick a side, so to speak. If you possess one particular masculine characteristic, it does not mean you can’t also possess a feminine one at the same time. I repeat, they are not inherent opposites.
This also means that some characteristics are both masculine and feminine at the same time. For example, strength. To be strong is both feminine and masculine, but the way in which it manifests may be different. The disservice we have done as a society, is to continue and force rigid definitions that create opposition between the masculine and feminine. We force people to choose sides as if it were a battle. And that is where the disconnection begins. It’s time we say a necessary goodbye to this rigid duality.
Stop Demonizing the Feminine
For far too long societies have demonized the feminine as weak, inferior, and less valuable. The feminine has been mislabeled as the losing side of this imaginary battlefield. That needs to end. Now. The characteristics that are typically associated with the feminine are certainly not inferior. In fact, many are the very reason our species has survived and thrived to this day. The ability to effectively communicate and to nurture are essential to sustaining life for both men and women. Being in touch with emotions allows us to lead more authentic and healthy lives. The feminine is not inferior, it is merely different. And for the last few thousand years societies by and large have been demonizing it. Let’s get back to offering the feminine a place of honor.
Let Go of the Need to Gender Everything
If we let go of the rigid duality and embrace the feminine as equally valuable, we begin to create space in which both men and women can possess multiple characteristics that fall along the spectrum of masculine and feminine simultaneously. We begin to let go of the need to gender every role and end the unnecessary act of choosing sides. It becomes unnecessary to define being compassionate and caring as a distinctly feminine role and thus for women only. Instead, both men and women can step into these characteristics, and express themselves more fully and without disconnected labels attached.
Fragile masculinity is something we’ve concocted, but it’s also something we need not continue to feed into. What’s your experience with #MasculinitySoFragile? I would love to hear your take through comments or Twitter. Keep questioning and let the adventures continue!